


All the Things I Never Told You

by shadow_in_the_shade



Category: Thor - All Media Types
Genre: All the sad, Angst, Canonical Character Death, M/M, Mental Anguish, Mental Health Issues, Phobias
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-05-14
Updated: 2014-05-14
Packaged: 2018-01-24 20:05:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,219
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1615418
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shadow_in_the_shade/pseuds/shadow_in_the_shade
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Your eyes are searching me, probing further than you should and can I even tell you how the heart tightens under that kind of honest scrutiny? Can I tell you how the heart cries brother? Can I tell you how the head aches from hearing the constant howl of the wolf at the door?"</p>
<p> Short, angsty Loki ficlets, implied Thorki. T rated for sexual suggestions and language. Previously posted to Ficcynet but I don't ficcynet much anymore so am re-posting here.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Can I?

**Can I?**

_Can I tell you?_

_Your eyes are searching me probing further than you should and can I even tell you how the heart tightens under that kind of honest scrutiny? Can I tell you how the heart cries brother? Can I tell you how the head aches from hearing the constant howl of the wolf at the door? The end is always so close, all we can do is run away, hide, disguise, elude – and can I tell you any of this? Can I share the inside of my head with you? Can I actually show you something like that? Is there any picture I could paint you of the non – Euclidean angles of my mind – any picture that you – that I – could understand. Would these crooked angles break you? Would the corners and the shadows frighten you to tears?_

_Can I tell you that they do me?_

_Can I tell you about fear like eyes on you in the dark? Like spiders crawling over inch of the skin and out from every pore until you go mad stopping yourself from brushing them away? If I could make you feel it, make you know what it is to be me – would I wish it on you?_

_Dear gods can I tell you just one thing? Can I tell you how perfect you are to me? Can I tell you what the shadow feels, falling by the side of the light? By_ your  _light, beloved. Can I compare myself to you for even one moment and not go mad from the dissolution of my self?_

_And can I make something out of two such disparate halves? Is there any chance I can create at all and not destroy? Could you tell me that brother and could I ever ask?_

_Can I answer you one question you would put to me? Can I even hear it as the simple thing you think it is? Do you think I could find words you would comprehend for why I do as I do? Do you think the words exist? And do you really think I know?_

_There is so much I could say to you. So much that would stop you from hating me but do you really think I could take it – your forgiveness, your faith, your hope, your love? Do you think I can bear your continued assumptions of my inner goodness and that it does not squirm like a snake in me that you are so wrong. Can I tell you that if you stripped away my skin that snake would be all there is of me?_

_And can I revoke the past that lies so close to your heart? Can I look back on what I was and not scream for wanting an ideal that you dream of and that I could never really have been?_

_Can I tell you who I was then, who I am now – when I do not even know? And how can we even begin to rebuild when we do not even have that basis to work from? Can_ you  _tell_ me  _this? Can you tell me one true secure thing – one word to describe me from which I can start to piece together some kind of a self? Can you tell me that?_

_Can I tell you I still love you as you tell me? Can I tell you all you are to me and all you have ever been, will never stop being, brother, lover, friend. Can I tell you how I have only ever felt my presence in my own skin when you have touched me? Can I tell you you are everything to me? Could anyone ever admit a thing like that? Can I tell you how the very thought shrieks discord and denial screaming like Valkyries through the tangled night sky of my brain? Yes this cuts. This cuts the deepest and the snake drips its venom into the wound._

_And you look at me with those honest eyes like the sky before the storm I know would come if I uttered a single word that might begin to answer your innocuous, ridiculous question. You gaze down on the havoc I have wrecked and your eyes are full of potential only to forgive –_

"Loki – why?" was all you said.

_One word._

_One word from me and I would put thunder clouds in your eyes to blot out every innocent drop of blue – and could I really do that to you? Could you take the ice out of me and warm it or would it freeze you too? Do you think I could even risk it?_

_Can I say one single word of all I feel to you now?_

"Fuck you" I say, and I turn away.

_x_

**So I'm really bad at rating fics that aren't M! I've T rated this but if I'm wrong in this please someone tell me!**

**This was meant to be a one chapter fic but I have plans for other little jaunts into Loki's brain that might go along with this!**


	2. Turn Left

**More bitter ranting from your friendly neighbourhood Loki.**

**Turn Left**

I have a story for you, here – let me tell you how it goes.

_The Kursed leaves the dungeons taking the stairway to the right. Meanwhile Malakith enters mother's quarters searching for the girl. But mother is ready for him; of course she is – she has always had a strength not to be under estimated._

_"Stand down creature" she says, honour and dignity side by side in her with wit and lethal ability. Of course the creature does not stand down. No matter – they fight – she wins. By the time the Kursed reaches her quarters she has left with the apparition of the girl._

_How much further can the story now go? Of all the tales I have ever told this happy yarn is the saddest never to leave my lips._

_With Malekith gone The Kursed is nothing. Mother being still alive she campaigns for my freedom. You join her, with that never – ending hope you have that I am still somehow redeemable. With two such strong forces battling for my salvation I am less able to hold out against your dear adorable hopes._

_She knows you as she knows me – better than anyone – perhaps even better than we know each other and certainly more honest. She notices you of course – how you sit brooding every night, every night a stranger at your own feast._ She  _at least is not foolish enough to imagine it is some mere mortal you are pining for. Neither is she afraid to confront you with the truth in your own head, the truth you hide from – and after all it_ is  _me you were missing was it not brother? I am the cause of the vast emptiness that walks beside you, a thing so black it is a wonder not everyone sees it. She makes you face up to those feelings that you flee from as only she could. She has always known what we were – what we_ are –  _to each other and she alone has never judged or turned away._

_And so between the two of you, you release me, not just from this cage but breaking and entering through every barrier my ever busy mind can erect. Between you you manage – though I am sure I do not make it easy – to bring me back – to bring_ us  _back – somehow even to something like we were._

_Did mother have this kind of power? Could even she effect so incredible an ending? But of course she did. Of course she could._

_And in the end when the Allfather dies you and I rule Asgard together, like we always should have done, like we always should have been. We can be what we are with no fear or hiding, content, and always in the background our gracefully aging mother. So we live. Happily ever after as they say._

That is my story brother, did you care for it? My little tale of what could have been.

What could have been. How it bites into the heart with its many venomous little teeth.

Because it is not this way. Because Loki of Nowhere has to have the last word. Because the capricious imp of my mind had to say something to the beast that would not release me when it released so many others. Do you know why, brother? Because it sensed in me something useless to it – it sensed some fetid sense of goodness and it let me know this with the scorn in its eyes.

Well I had to say  _something_ to that kind of insult did I not? And how remarkably I did succeed in proving it wrong!

"You might want to take the stairs to the left" was all I said.

It was all I needed to say.

_And could you forgive me this? Could even your foolishness forgive me such as this?_

_CAN YOU FORGIVE ME THIS, BROTHER?_

Because I sure as hel could not.

_x_

**Yes, I took this chapter title from an episode of Dr Who, it seemed curiously fitting.**


	3. Freefall

**Warning: Possible triggers here if you suffer from nyctophobia (fear of the dark) or nihilophobia (fear of nothingness). Possibly fine though since I have both and I wrote the thing!**

**Freefall**

You asked how I survived the fall. Here let me tell you a thing.

I did not die in the blackness as a human should have done – as anyone would have done who was not at least a little immortal. Instead space opened out before me, sucking at me and surrounding me with black, empty nothing.

People think that fear of the dark is fear of the things that could come out of it and upon you unawares. That the fear of the monster under the bed is the fear that it will bite your hand off in the night. It's not. It's the fear that in truth  _Nothing_ will come at you,  _Nothing_ is under your bed at all and that  _Nothing_ is all that you will ever find and all that you will ever be. Fear of the dark is fear that it will never end, not even just that you will never see the sun again but that the sun will, in fact, never rise.

This is what I fell into when I fell from the Bridge. This is the abyss into which you threw me. This is the void that stared into me and in doing so ripped everything out. This was the night that never ended. You say it is ended now and your naivety makes me laugh into the hollowness of my insides.

_Nothing_ happened to me when I fell and  _Nothing_ continued to happen until time ceased to exist. I  _existed_ for want of a better phrase – in that state fro an eternity of Nothingness until I was cored out and filled with the dark echoing Nothing around me.

And this is why I never even made a sound when I fell. Because the scream you hear in the night is nothing to the terror that only begins when the screaming ends. And that is what I did – continually stop screaming when I had never even begun.

This then is what you seek to cure. Would you help me?  _Could_ you help nothing to become something? I never had much of a Self to begin with, now I should say I am non – existent.

Then is it a strength or a weakness in me that I fight my Nothingness and try to stamp my mark onto everything I touch, even if that is only to destroy. If I can  _be_ – in any way – is that not now an achievement? Cannot every impact I make draw a little of that void out of me and, living in the world as I am again now, will not something enter me to replace the gap? And if I hurt you enough could it not be your goodness that fills me?

Because I think I do begin to see the dawn begin to break, though it is not the sun rising over the hills. You always were the day to my night and I did not just live in your shadow I  _was_ that shadow. There is comfort in this as there is in your breaking through my darkness with your light. Because all men need their shadow or become strange and insubstantial themselves. If I am your shadow then it is possible – just slightly – that you might need me.

You asked how I survived the fall. Here is the short answer brother – I did not.

But if anyone can therefore tell you or tell me who I am that remains – it is you.

You have always been as much a part of me as I am. Now you are the part of me that remains alive.

Can that part call back the rest?

_x_

**I genuinely mean this to be a one shot, but new bits of Loki – speak just keep coming to me in no particular order so here they are being thrown! I apologise for the….no I take it back I don't apologise for the randomness! Welcome to my nightmare!**


End file.
